5-Minute Crafts' Groundbreaking Science

content:

This post is far longer than any human attention span can accommodate for. I will likely write a shorter version for brevity in the next post, so here’s a :nutshell if I have. In future posts, I will combine multiple videos into one post.

Video :HOW TO FIX ALL YOUR SLEEP PROBLEMS WITH SCIENCE

This first video truly tested my willpower. Maybe this was all a mistake. Maybe I should never have done this at all. Maybe I should stop while I still can.

Nevertheless, I did the unthinkable and watched a 5-Minute Crafts video.

Before I begin, I want to explain that 5-Minute Crafts created a 9-minute video by merging a bunch of 1-minute videos into a single unholy whole. In other words, they’re effectively a TikTok shorts compilation channel. This explains everything.

What’s more, while writing that last paragraph out I did a google search and came to the insane realisation that 5-Minute Crafts and TikTok :began in the same year.

:x Insane realisation

The 5-Minute Crafts channel was registered on November 15 2016, while TikTok was launched in September 2016. Yes, that means TikTok predates 5-Minute Crafts. The timeline is fracturing.

The Groundbreaking Science

This video claims to be “scientific” (they have a grand total of zero sources), so as a true scientist I will test their theories and attempt some of their groundbreaking science. What follows is a compendium of all the (rather insane) tips that they give to improve your sleep or cure your bodily mortality via sleep. Buckle in.

Defeat insomnia: meditate listening to classical music

Although I do listen to classical music, I don’t do it for sleep. Some studies have been done on whether classical music can boost brainpower, but they weren’t very scientific (like a certain YouTube video) and I don’t believe in the :Mozart Effect except as an incredibly good placebo.

Defeat insomnia: massage your ears and your pinkies

…what?

Apparently this is something people do in massages, and that it relieves stress. I felt like an idiot trying this (why specifically the pinkies?!) and needless to say this will not become part of my nighttime routine.

Defeat insomnia: read a book

That’s genuinely a good idea - I should be reading instead of scientifically disproving a 5-Minute Crafts video.

Defeat insomnia: drink a glass of milk

No idea where this one’s coming from.

I have now tried this: I poured myself a half-cup of milk and drank it a little bit before bed. I don’t think it helped sleep at all, but I hadn’t drunk a pure glass of milk in some time and it was rather good. I would say that experiment failed successfully.

Defeat insomnia: catch some positive emotions

I’m not doubting this one. But the clip they play along with it is legendary:

Children should wake up before 8:30. Teenagers should wake up at 10-11 AM. Adults should wake up 10 AM on the dot.

What’s more, after providing these biblical facts, they nobly state that we should stop being constrained by human society and reject the unrealistic regimes of our work schedules. Apparently all these ultra-scientific values came from “Oxford scientists”, but I have not been able to find the source.

Sleeping for 20 minutes at lunchtime turns you into Superman

I am barely exaggerating. Improved memory, brain function, energy, creativity, the list goes on. All from sleeping 20 minutes after lunch. Even if I wanted to bother testing this one, I can’t fall asleep in 20 minutes, much less have an entire nap in that time.

Children should always sleep in the dark

They again promote milk-drinking at night - the conspiracy unfolds.

Give up coffee and smartphone-usage before sleep, and exercise every morning

This, along with a bunch of other recommendations about pillow placement and sleep routines, is a solid chunk of pretty good pieces of advice.

How to Fall Asleep in Just 1 Minute

And here is where I realised that I had actually watched this video before - years and years ago, in 2017 - and that this video was one of the impostors of my watch later playlist. Although I hadn’t remembered watching the video (quite rightly), I do recall attempting the following step-by-step process to fall asleep in 1 minute:

1. Breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds
2. Hold your breath for 7 seconds
3. Breathe out through your mouth for 8 seconds
4. Repeat several times

I remember trying this as a kid on multiple nights to no avail. But no, you cannot fall asleep in 1 minute after 3 very laboured breaths. Where 5-Minute Crafts came up with this I have no idea.

No sleep causes: poor concentration, increased appetite, anger, hallucinations, inarticulate speech, weakened immunity, brain damage

Pretty nice of 5-Minute Crafts to make seemingly logical statements. Various sleep experiments have shown what exactly happens to humans when forbidden sleep. I’m not sure “hallucination” is the right term, however, but at least it’s something.

The best way to sleep is on your side

I’ve done some quick research: it looks like there’s no scientifically proven correct position to sleep, and there’s no best position for everybody.

Warm milk with honey improves your sleep

You’ve got to be kidding me.

What happens to our bodies when we drink coffee

1. 10 mins: heart beat quickens, blood pressure increases
2. 20 mins: concentration improves, tiredness disappears
3. 30 mins: adrenaline rush, vision improves (??!)
4. 40 mins: you become Superman (not even exaggerating this time)
5. 4 hours: fats are broken up, stomach acid levels increase
6. 6 hours: you need the toilet

Are we sure 5-Minute Crafts didn’t have secret access to ChatGPT in 2017? Something about this clip seemed so off.

Conclusion

We made it. I don’t think a single soul is going to read all this, and that’s a good thing. No one should put themselves through this ordeal ever again.

5-Minute Crafts’ groundbreaking science was not groundbreaking (or science), but sometimes it wasn’t flat out wrong. I was surprised by the informational tidbits that actually held truth in them. I thought it was rather respectable that they promoted sleeping on time and getting more sleep as much as they did.

But it really depended on the TikTok short in question - some were definitely there just to tick the checkbox of “it’s science”, regardless of if its usefulness or truthfulness. It goes without saying that the thumbnail was clickbait. But I can tell why younger me added this video to my watch later playlist, and then eventually watched it. The allure of fixing all your sleep problems in a 9-minute video is admittedly high, although reality isn’t so glamourous as it appears.

What’s the moral of the story, then?

I think we all know the answer to that one.